She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
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Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
What flavor cupcake are these
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes