.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
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I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Lol.