The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
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When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
So, can we agree on 4 or
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.