I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
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Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up