Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
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Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
all that yoga finally paid off
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
How it started How it’s going
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?