I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
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Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Why do meteors always land in craters?
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer