For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
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Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.