[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
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I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.