Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
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By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months