I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
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I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.