[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
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I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
no cat here
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.