me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
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I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day