Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
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Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
(Musicians.)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you