We avoided this particular disaster
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By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
A woman drives into a bar.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.