[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
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*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]