I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
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Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward