“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
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Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”