Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
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Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep