Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
You Might Also Like
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Aaaa…CHOO!
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.