English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
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[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
The days of good grammer has went
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what