well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
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History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Maths meets science
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students: