When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
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well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat