At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
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My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)