*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
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Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
That de-escalated quickly
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”