Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
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our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.