me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
You Might Also Like
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”