Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
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Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
This came to me in a dream.