Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
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ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.