And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
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The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one