Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
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My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
how it started vs how it ended
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me