Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
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The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.