I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
You Might Also Like
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder