The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
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We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I self medicate, therefore you live.