Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
You Might Also Like
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
The struggle is real.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL