This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
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babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Oh hi lol
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here