You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
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Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.