me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
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infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I didn’t come here to be called names
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.