“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
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My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.