At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
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Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
What if all the cashiers are married?
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit