Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
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People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Thank you corporation very cool
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Your honor these allegations are
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”