You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
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Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
im 7 sauces long
Nothing to do, you say?
just pretend nothing happened
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?