The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
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Now my hand Hz.
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4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
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Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
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ME: Wait a second
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
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WALDO: ah crap
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But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
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Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
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