[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
You Might Also Like
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.