The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
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[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.