Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
You Might Also Like
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it