If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
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A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.