I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
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Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.