Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
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[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
The three genders.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.