Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
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comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.