Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
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Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Woke up against my better judgement again
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Just as the prophecy foretold
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.